At some point in our lives, I think we all are hurt, devestated, and crushed by someone or something. Right about this time last year, I was going through an incredible amount of change, and in the midst of it all some things were happening in a friendship of mine that absolutely devastated me.
To make a long story short, the friendship that I shared with this girl for about 5 years fell apart. At the time, it seemed like "the end of the world". It was a challenging and difficult stage of my lfe, but just as Romans 8:28 promises, God made HEAPS of good out of it all. (But that's a different story).
In the midst of all the change, and then on top of that, the loss of a friendship, I was so overwhelmed and probably did not handle it all as well as I should've. I didn't realize this until just recently, but in the midst of all that, I was blaming my friend for my pain. I was harboring up bitterness against her.
I was eager and cooperative to hand over all my desires and wants to God through the change. But I wasn't willing to hand over my harsh feelings towards my friend.
Part of me thinks I didn't want hand over my bitterness because it was the only part of our friendship that I still had left. So, I kept a firm and tight grip on it.
And subconciously, for a year, I just continued to hold on to that bitterness and let it grow.
But recently, for some reason, I have been having quite a few random memories of our friendship come back to me. Some of them quite painful. So, I just tried to "put them behind me" and forget about it. At first, I thought it was because it was right around this time last year that our friendship began to fall apart. Then I thought that Satan was just trying to trip me up.
But after I was praying about it the other day, I read this in the book I'm reading, Waking the Dead, by John Eldredge: "Christ must open the wound, not just bandage it over. Really- denial is a favorite method of coping for many Christians. But not with Jesus. He wants truth in the inmost being, and to get it there He's got to take us INTO our inmost being. One way He'll do this is by bringing up an old memory. You'll be driving down the road and suddenly you remember something from your childhood. Or maybe you'll have a dream about a long-forgotten person, event, or place. However He brings it up, go with Him there. He has something to say to you."
So I wrestled with that for awhile. And I felt like God was telling me to "Forgive and let go." But, I thought I already did that MONTHS ago...?!
Nope. God showed me that I SAID I forgave her, and I TOLD myself that I forgave her, but my HEART wasn't in agreement.
So now, after a year, and after my Heavenly Father's counseling and restoration, my heart has now forgiven her. And another part of my heart has been set free.
Another thing I realized in this all is that I could not be healed until I forgave. So, Lord, here I am, now ready to be healed. And I pray that you might also heal my friend from any pain that I may have afflicted on her.
Thank you for Your healing.
"He heals the broken hearted and binds up their wounds." Psalms 147:3
2 comments:
I know how hard that is and i've gone through that same type of forgiveness. God heals us and lifts us up when our hearts are hurting though :)
hey girl hey. i miss you so much. i knew exactly what this post was all about. :) i love you so much. i'm so proud of your decision to serve the Lord in Mexico! What an amazing oppurtunity. I have to say I'm also proud of you and your decision with this whole deal above. i love you so much, cassie. <3 I'll be praying for you darlingest. :)
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