"God gave you the honor not only of believing in him but also suffering for him, both of which bring glory to Christ." Philippians 1:29
Spending a week down in Monterrey, Mexico this summer taught me things I wouldn't have otherwise learned. Seeing the poverty and brokeness with my own two eyes instead of just hearing it with my own two ears was a whole new experience... maybe sometimes even an experience that it hurts me to think of.
But I would have never guessed in my wildest dreams, that it would hurt me more to go to FiveStar every week and hear the stories of the girls in my group, than to come face to face with the poverty in Monterrey and look it in the eye.
Maybe a part of it is because all of the kids I encountered while I was in Mexico, know Christ, and know what JOY is. Though they live in very tough circumstances and conditions, they have something bigger and better to hold on to. They have hope. They know and love Christ.
Many of the girls in my group at FiveStar do not know the hope and joy of Christ. They live every day with out hope... looking at their circumstances with, well, I don't even know how they look at them. I just know that it hurts me so bad to look at these girls and see all of their potential and brilliance, but also see how THEY view themselves.
A girl in my group never sees her father, and her mom often leaves her home for days at a time to babysit while she goes to the clubs or stays with other men. This girl loves her mom, and wants to have a relationship with her mom, but she tells me that it is so hard to respect her mother. A week ago at FiveStar the topic was "rebellion". Each week the girls make goals according to the topic, and this week, this girl's goal was to respect her mother more, and communicate with her better.
The whole week I was anxious to see how this went. If the girls accomplish their goals, or take steps in towards their goals, we are told to record it and give them 50 points for the week. So I went around the table, asking my group how they did and recorded their answers.
I turned to this girl and asked how it went. She could barely look me in the eyes when she said "You don't need to give me any points. When I tried to talk to and respect my mom, she ignored me and grounded me for a longer time."
... Ouch. I really felt like I could literally feel my heart just snap in half. This girl tries, but recieves no encouragement whatsoever from home. She may rebell and act all tough at FiveStar, but if you could see her how I do... you would see past all that. You would see the hurt just dwelling inside of her. The first few weeks at FiveStar this year, I remember having a negative outlook towards her. Her attitude put me off. But little by little, week by week, after hearing her talk, I began to see that the "attitude" and the "toughness" was merely just a mask for all she is hiding underneath. I see past all her masks, and I know she wants to improve herself, so that she can hopefully improve her home life. I know she comes to FiveStar to learn. I just pray that I can give everything I have while I'm there at FiveStar. These girls deserve nothing less than my absolute best. Actually, I pray that it's never ME leading, but CHRIST leading through me. I may not be able to talk about my "religion" while I am there, but I can offer them hope.
This may sound bad, but have you ever experienced something like this that hurts so bad that you wonder why you even involve yourself in it? It only leads to heartache anyway...
I know I have. But I encourage you to embrace that pain. After I come home from FiveStar, and am in a state of not even knowing how to handle all my feelings, is when my prayer is no more than just a loud cry out to God. A prayer without the need for words, because He knows what I'm feeling, and the Spirit intercedes and prays FOR me. I believe that these are my most powerful prayers. Because when alls I can do is cry for this girl to God, the Spirit is praying for me. And His prayers will always be better than mine! He knows the needs of this girl far better than me!
Sometimes it's through this pain and sorrow that I come closest again to a spiritual reality that's much bigger than myself. I dare even say that most of my joy is born out of such sorrow. It's only then that I see what true joy is. Joy is NOT based on postive predictions about the circumstance. I could tell myself all day long, "It will be ok. One day she will have a perfect relationship with her mom." But this will not give me joy. Probably not even happiness... only momentary happiness. My joy comes from knowing that Christ has overcome the world. Though we live in a world of human suffering and pain... He has overcome it.
"In this world you will have trouble, but take heart! I have overcome the world." John 16:33
Take Heart.
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