Waiting...

"The life of he spirit is never static. We're born on one level only to find some new struggle toward wholeness gestating within. That's the sacred intent of life, of God- to move us continuously toward growth, toward recovering all that is lost and orphaned within us and restoring the divine image imprinted on our soul." -Sue Monk Kidd

Everything in this day is instant gratification. Everything is quick and fast- go, go, go. Do you have a question that you can't answer? Look it up on Google. And mind you- it takes about .00163 seconds for Google to find the answer. Space travel, instant coffee and mac-and-cheese (and just about anything else can be made instant), fax machines, FAST-food restaraunts... we live in a "get-it-now-and-get-it-fast" world.

It's no mystery that "waiting" is such a distressing topic. Waiting requires us to slow down, shut-up, let-up, and be STILL. Eh... be still? I don't know about you, but that seemed to be a laborious and uneasy chore for me. Besides the fact that I think I have ADD, being still arises in me a whole assortment of questions about myself, that I, to be honest with you, sometimes just don't feel like "dealing" with and quite often these questions make me uncomfortable. They urge me to look deeper into who I really am. Which in the long haul leads to admirable results and quite often transformation. But for the time being, it sometimes can be akward, painful, stressful, or just time-consuming.

I remember having a conversation this summer with my worship leader about remembering the week. Someone asked him if he remembered what he did the day before and he said something along the lines of "Kind of, but not exactly. I remember more of what's going on inside of me, than what's going on around me."

"YES! This is what it's all about!" I thought to myself. And suddenly these verses: "...set your heart on things above..." (Colossians 3:1) "So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." (2 Corinthians 4:18), had a whole new meaning. How often do I take time to actually sit and be still and become one wih the things going on inside of my heart and try to piece them all together?

So... back to what he said- after he said that I asked "So what went on inside of you yesterday?" And with that he responded "I'm not quite sure yet. Sometimes it takes me awhile to digest it all."

"Oh... snap. Crackle. Poppity, pop, pop. I believe that means waiting. Yikes." Those were some of the thoughts roaming around my head after he said that. I began to pray "Lord, open the eyes of my heart to all that you are doing in me, and all that you still want to do. Give me the opportunity to wait in your presence. And grant me the patience."

As we all know, Jesus hears our prayers and is faithful to answer them, often times in ways we don't expect, and at times we least apprehend it. That opportunity to lean in to my heart again and wait came just several hours later! I was at camp, and we were preparing for commitment night. The service had not even started yet, and I was already so overwhelmed, just when setting out some chairs, by the presence of God that I just began to cry. I was praying that God would get through to the middle school kid sitting in that chair, and that he would take away all distractions and just take them deeper. Then out of nowhere I felt like God was saying "Ok, yeah. That's all good. Appreciate the prayers for the kiddos, but I've got it all under control. Will you take some time to pray for yourself? Prepare your heart Cassie. I want to show you and lead you in to new things."

Well... ok then. I left the chairs (which probably annoyed the hay out of the four other girls who had to finish my job. oops.) and went to the back of the room, in the exact place tha I felt God speak in to the depths of my heart, just one year earlier. I began to pray "Jesus I ask you to lead me deeper in to you tonight. I fully open every aspect of my life to you in every dimension. I open my heart to what it is you're teaching me. Fill me AFRESH. I surrender every aspect of my life totally and completely to YOU."

Throughout the night though, I was getting frustrated because I wasn't hearing just one specific matter that I felt like He was trying to speak to me on. I just felt him doing SOMETHING. What? I had no clue yet. So here comes the waiting part, the "digesting" part.

Well, camp came to an end, and I still wasn't feeling clarity. So when I got home, I took a lot of time to think and pray on it. "God what is it you're teaching me?! I know SOMETHING was going on inside me!" I was so defeated and discouraged because I couldn't figure out what it was. I thought I was doing something wrong. I remember one day just going in to my room, flopping down on the bed and crying out to God, "Ugh! Ya wanna fill me in God?!"

It was then that I realized that my complete inability to wait was "symptomatic" of something deeper going on. It was pointing to some uprising inside my soul. God didn't have ONE thing he wanted to teach me. He wanted to TRANSFORM me.

It was time to move away from some of my "false selves" and begin to recover my True Self, to take another big step in my journey towards wholeness.

It's difficult and a bit frightening to let go and crawl in to this "cacoon", as to say, of transformation, and KNOW that there's something going on inside of you, but not knowing exactly what it all is.

I remember one evening while I was in Mexico, there was a storm rolling in. I went outside and sat down in it and for one moment, I was aware of the fact that the same thing was going on inside of me. Every thing inside of me was shuffling around and I knew things would change but as Sue Monk Kidd so wisely said "Patterns begin to crumble. It feels to us like a collapsing of all that is, but it's a holy quaking." I looked into the dark clouds and lightning and took a deep breath. For the first time since this "waiting" began, I was able to relax. God's presence was surrounding me. "We can endure, transcend, and transform the storminess when we see the meaning and mystery of it." I knew God was transforming me. I knew there was no short cut, nor did I want one. I committed to leaning into his "transformation" wholeheartedly and with patience. I will serve Him while I'm waiting. I will worship while I'm waiting.

"I waited patiently for the Lord. He turned to me and heard my cry." Psalms 40:1